End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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