I think I am morally bankrupt
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
