and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
