I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
