I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
