he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
