If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
