I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
