his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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