i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
