Having a random hookup so left but love u
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
