At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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