I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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