apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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