i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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