I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
