dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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