saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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