dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
