I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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