Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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