i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
