You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
