there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
