for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
