Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
