she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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