Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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