I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
