im having a threesome with these popsicles
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
