Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
