I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
