She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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