you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
