disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
