I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I am spending my child support on dildos
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
