My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
