Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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