peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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