How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
