I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
