I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
