just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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