I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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