he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
