But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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