I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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