Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
