I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
