On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
